Relationships are both the greatest gifts and hardest lessons life has to offer. They are beautiful yet hard and complex even without the fiery fuel of a Kundalini awakening added to the mix. This blog is about how a spontaneous Kundalini awakening may affect existing relationships and/or the ability to form new ones in it’s peak.
A Kundalini awakening can have an enormous impact on relationships since it brings all of our subconscious patterns to the surface. These patterns run under the surface of our relationships. They are the deciding factor as to why we choose to enter or stay in specific relationships: Be it romantic, work relationship, family or a friendship. Relationships with family members can mask unconscious patterns and unhealthy ways in which we interact with the people we love.
Letting go of close relationships in life can be extremely painful. Fear not, this awakening does not mean that all of your relationships must end (or that you have to move to Tibet and become a monk). Yet with Kundalini’s fuel, there is a good chance that you will see your relationships in a new light. Armed with new information and a broader perspective, you can then make a conscious choice about whether you wish to keep a person in your life or lovingly let them go.
How Kundalini affects relationships:
1. Healthy vs. unhealthy relationships:
Kundalini will help you see if the relationships in your life are there as a source of unconditional love and support or are chosen out of deeply unconscious reasons or misguided core beliefs. Many of us choose to stay in relationships not because they serve our expansion or highest good, but for these reasons such as:
A sense of obligation
Guilt or shame
Fear of being alone or fear of abandonment
Fear of social banishment/ exclusion, of being an outcast (which is a fundamental survival fear).
A need for external validation or codependency
A need for financial or social security.
Familiarity: A relationship can reflect a repeated childhood pattern between our caregivers and us and thus feels “familiar” even if it’s not loving.
A desire to “fix” the past: A relationship can mirror a repeated toxic childhood dynamic that we felt powerless against. As adults we subconsciously recreate it so we “fix” it. We can’t “fix” it until we become conscious of it, heal the past wound rather than fix the current reflection of it.
There are many more unconscious “Velcro” bits that keep us attached to people who are unhealthy for us.
All relationships are an accurate mirror for one’s unconscious and conscious aspects. Thus, with the help of Kundalini, the first step is to recognize an unconscious aspect or pattern being played out. The second step is using healing through one or more of the following tools: self-inquiry, inner child or shadow work and therapy. This in turn will affect the relationship as the reflection of the unhealthy pattern. If the other person is self-aware and willing, you can also work on healing together. Other people’s unconditional support and love can be profoundly healing.
On the other hand, if the relationship is unsafe or toxic (abuse of any kind, control or dismissal), it will be impossible for you to heal without leaving the relationship. Get all the support you need and stay strong in your conviction to disconnect from unhealthy relationships.
Unfortunately, some people will not wish or be able to grow with you or at your heightened Kundalini pace. You can then choose to see less of them, while remaining aware of the limitations of the relationship or decide to let the relationship go for the time being. If this is the case, allow yourself to grieve over the loss of the relationship. This can feel very painful or disorienting at first, especially if you lose core relationships. Even a major shift in the frequency of connection or in the dependency and trust we feel in a relationship can bring about grief. Know that the love you feel or have shared with that person does not vanish; that only the physical connection has shifted for your own wellbeing and sanity. No matter how toxic, or just wrong a relationship was for you, the pain and grief you are experiencing are very valid. Be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself for being in a relationship that wasn’t right for you. Allow yourself to still love them, but let them go. Fully feeling the grief is the only way to heal and form new and healthy connections with people who are more compatible for you.
2. Boundaries and needs: Another important Kundalini relationship lesson is about boundaries. Kundalini will help you establish healthy boundaries by revealing how painful it feels to have unhealthy ones. Even if having none to very few boundaries with certain people was fine before Kundalini, boundaries will become essential to your sense of well-being. This need can show up as strong emotional or even physical pain when next to people who violate your boundaries. You may feel utterly drained after spending time with them. You may find yourself unable to tolerate being around someone who you previously spent a lot of time with. This may be confusing at first since it is new and sudden. This doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship, but it may mean taking the time to figure out which boundaries you need to establish in order to feel safe in the relationship. Only then can you allow the person back into your life under your new found terms.
For those of you who grew up with no boundaries or violated yours, learning how to decipher your needs and boundaries takes time. Some of us learned early on that saying “no” has repercussions. We learned to people please, or to push our own needs aside in relationships in order not to be “punished” or risk losing the people we depended on. We may have learned to suppress our “No”. Perhaps our voices, needs, emotions, desires or personality had to take a back sit in our core relationships. Changing that, feeling safe to express those in a relationship takes time and self work. For us, it can initially feel life threatening connecting with our “NO” or expressing our needs to another in a close relationship.
Those of us who grew up like this may have formed an entire identity as an easygoing person who is philanthropic with their time and energy or someone who never gets angry, someone who basically needs for nothing, they are a giver all the way. For this person to merely realize that they have boundaries and unmet needs piled up inside, takes a lot of healing.
Be patient and gentle with your child-self in this process. The disentanglement of what is true for you and what is a defense mechanism is a delicate process. Know that a relationship without you being true to yourself, to all aspects of you, isn’t a real relationship, and you deserve a real one. This is why this transformation is so important. In fact, this period of learning who you are and what you truly need symbolizes a move from relationships to “REALationships”.
3. Projected fear: One of the major causes for relational shifts during Kundalini is the fear your loved ones may have concerning your process. People around you may not understand what you are experiencing and are scared by it. They may find their identity threatened by your awakening, since it doesn’t fit into their own narrative of reality. Others may not wish to confront their own subconscious aspects and you doing so, healing so deeply - may feel threatening to them as well. They may try to “fix” you, deny what you are going through, or attempt to diagnose this as a mental breakdown or other namable condition. They may abandon you in one way or another or truly disappoint you in your time of need due to their own fears. This is not about you, although it affects you directly and it really hurts. For more about how to bridge between yourself and your loved ones in this process read my blog here. This blog is also for your loved to read and understand better how to be with you during Kundalini.
4. Love and heart openings in Kundalini: When you experience a heart opening during Kundalini, you love everything and everyone so very much. In those stages (you will learn to recognize them as they may repeat cyclically), try to avoid making big decisions about new love interests. You are sort of in a love bubble state and in this state, the love you feel can be overwhelming and not necessarily about the person in front of you. It can be confusing and you may want to assign a name and a face to this overwhelming love, but things may seem different once the heart opening is integrated and embodied. So, let yourself pass this stage before declaring love to new people or letting them into your heart. Just think of yourself as in love with love at this moment, not with somebody. If the love you feel for them is really about them, it will remain the same when this stage is over, so have patience. Just wait it out and enjoy the ride. Feeling love this deeply is a gift, grant it to yourself and the universe.
5. Romantic relationships and Kundalini: During a Kundalini awakening you will find that your rhythm of growth and change is accelerated in comparison to others. In the beginning stages of a Kundalini awakening this change takes the form of letting go; de-construction internally and in parallel, and no new beginnings. You are letting go of everything that you are not, all the conditioning, fears and old wounding. In this stage it is very hard to know who you truly are and what you want and need in a partner. So, if you are single it may be wise to dedicate this time to your inner work rather than starting a new relationship.
If you are in an existing relationship, it is easy to feel disconnected in this stage, since you are constantly losing your ground and footing while Kundalini is rearranging your being. This may feel really painful when trying to connect and relate to a person intimately. In general, try to avoid making big decisions about your relationships when you cannot feel connected to yourself or your heart. These stages are like the opposite of the heart awakening stages – your heart can feel eclipsed and inaccessible, this too passes on its own. You can share with your significant other that you will go through times where you can’t fully connect to them during this process and that it isn’t personal. It is just your heart center being reworked by Kundalini, or some old pain coming up for healing. This is Kundalini’s way of turning your focus inwards.
In more advanced Kundalini awakening stages, you are still growing leaps and bounds, but are feeling a little more grounded and may desire increased intimacy in your life. Then, if you choose to engage in a new romantic relationship, make sure you find a person that is willing to grow with you or in the very least allows you the space you grow fast and doesn’t feel threatened or disconnected by your process. You need someone who can support and facilitate all the strange and remarkable aspects of your Kundalini rising. Be it a new or an existing romantic relationship, if your partner can’t grow with you, you will outgrow the relationship quickly. Although it is painful outgrowing someone you love, worry not, Kundalini isn’t trying to get you to commit to a lifetime of celibacy or solitude... You simply have to put yourself and your soul first for a period of time. If your partner can ride your growth spurts next to you and at your speed, they are welcome to hold your hand through it. Your partner doesn’t have to be spiritual or understand Kundalini from personal experience in order to support you. They just need to love you unconditionally and want to see you fulfill this sacred journey and become the butterfly that you truly are.
6. The amplifier effect: Kundalini amplifies all that you feel in order for it to be made conscious, basically to get your attention. “She” will hijack your relationships as a tool for your growth and healing. You can expect heightened situations and emotions to arise on a continuous bases throughout your relationships, in order to confront you with what is unconscious and unhealed within. Kundalini will make everything seem louder and more urgent so you won’t be able to suppress or escape what you are feeling in order to help you learn how to listen to your subtle feelings. They are always communicating with you. You will feel triggered more easily. When faced with strong emotions such as fear, anger or pain sit with the feeling before reacting. These may mean that there are issues in your relationship or they could be a trigger pointing you to an unhealed aspect of yourself. Ask yourself when you are feeling these intense or painful emotions:
Is this relationship safe for me?
What is my inner being trying to communicate with me?
Is this an old or a current emotion? (It can be a little of both)
Are my boundaries being respected, do I need to set a boundary?
Is there something I need to express to my partner/ friend? To myself?
Are my needs being met? Am I being seen and heard by this person?
What can I learn from this heightened emotional state?
If this is an old old wound love it unconditionally, give your inner child your undivided presence to help her/ him heal.
Your inquiry and self-work will provide you with the answers you need. The work of deciphering the emotional alarm that’s just being set off and what it is pointing you towards can be relentless and painful. Yet if you are in a relationship with someone who respects you, loves and listens to you, and is able to meet you where you are, you can get so much core healing done by using the relationship as a vehicle. If you choose to walk away and not to use the opportunity in front of you for healing, the same pain and patterns can repeat in the next relationship.
* Word of caution, this does not apply to any type of a toxic or abusive situation. In fact, not only can an abusive relationship not heal, it will re-traumatize you. One can only heal by leaving and abusive situation and taking care of oneself. You can then inquire why you were in it to begin with, which childhood patterns it was repeating, and what you need to heal in order to never ever repeat it again.
7. The core relationship: What Kundalini teaches first and foremost is how to be in a relationship with oneself and with the divine. This core relationship evolves, grows, heals, and expands through Kundalini and becomes the most important relationship you will ever have. It includes all aspects of self; your emotional body (the inner-child), your personality self (the ego) and your higher Self (your soul and the divine). Kundalini is here to show you how to be in a loving relationship with all these aspects and more. “She” will show you how to love the divine in you, how to love the inner child parts of you, how to love your body, your spiritual and shadow aspects equally. Kundalini teaches you all that by showing you where you fail to be loving with yourself, the parts of you that you have in fact exiled. This is a painful process, because you fragmented parts of yourself in childhood. Due to the environment you grew up in you learned to deem these parts of yourself as unloveable. Unfortunately, a “normal” part of socializing and living in a family system is that whichever parts of us society or the caregivers deemed inappropriate or “bad” we fragment and reject within ourselves in order for us to be loved and accepted. We then only identify with the parts of us that are “good” and call them “self”. This is a world-wide illness that our souls are suffering from, they are all fragmented and divided. It is a source of our own illnesses and addictions. In truth you don’t love all parts of yourself, nobody does. You don’t even like some of them. The mere thought of allowing them to be a valid part of you or to acknowledge their existence hurts. Unlearning this, brings these parts back home into your heart. Thus, coming back to wholeness is in fact the essence of this sacred journey. Learning how to love the seemingly unlovable parts of self is what integration is. Learning that in truth there is no difference between our supposed “bad” parts, our shadow self and our divine essence is what embodiment is. When you meet these fragments with love, you become whole.
Give yourself the time to learn what your inner teacher is communicating and become whole again. This may be the biggest “time investment” that you have ever given yourself, embrace it, you are worthy. Healing and integrating is the one way to get the unconditional love that you want and have always dreamed of, you are so deserving. Once found within, it will be reflected at you from outside effortlessly, and all that isn’t truly loving will fall away from your life as it will no longer fit. Your relationships can then reflect your wholeness and immense unconditional self-love, which you have worked so hard to embody.