My Kundalini awakening story:
I was raised in an atheistic household as a child and my only sense of spiritually was that I had always been very connected with my dreams. I would receive guidance through them or even prophetic ones throughout my childhood and I assumed that everyone was.
Growing up I was surrounded by religious fundamentalists communities and formed my perspective of religion as a very dark way to live by. I witnessed religious people living in guilt and in oppression, treating women especially as second-class citizens, which felt so remote from freedom and love. The 'God' they were worshiping made no sense to me; He was demanding, punitive and thought less of women and deemed their bodies as shameful. Gaining his approval seemed to be a lifelong battle, as no one seemed to be good or righteous enough for Him. I preferred to live free with my humanity but with no religion.
One day I had found myself suddenly drawn to spiritual teachings in an almost compulsive way. Needless to say I was more surprised than anyone to have fallen in love with spirituality and to discover a deep inner longing for that connection and relationship. I wanted to know that which is beyond me, the universal intelligence, intimately, as intimately as possible. Little did I know at that point that my prayers were about to be answered. I read anything spiritual I could put my hands on from any tradition, and experimented with meditation. I was so hungry for this new world of knowledge I had encountered and for the unconditional love and glimpses of peace I had felt. By then I had experienced several awakenings and felt strange energy sensations in my third eye area, yet I could still keep this at bay and lead a normal young professional life as a business co-owner. In retrospect, that’s when Kundalini started but was still not fully blown awake yet. I was happy as my life felt enriched with magical experiences and full of learning with my new found interest in spiritually. I was oblivious to what was about to come.
In 2011, I had a spontaneous Kundalini awakening, after a hypnosis session with some energy work. After the session I felt highly agitated and beside myself, but I ignored it and went to sleep not expecting this feeling to last the night. The next day everything changed, I felt like somebody had taken a remote control in charge of my body and emotions and was randomly pressing the buttons on it. I felt lost, anxious, emotional, and just very strange, not like myself; I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I also felt so exposed physically and energetically, I could feel another person’s energy from across the street enter my body, I felt terrified and unsafe. This was all new to me. I had tried to keep working but had a panic attack and was rushed to the hospital only to be released with an anti-anxiety pill. This was the end of an era in my life.
Back when this all started I was living in a big city and in a day I couldn’t tolerate the city’s energy anymore, I simply had to be in nature all the time to keep sane. I was sitting on the beach for months all day that winter, unable to do much at all, just to try and ground this atomic energy that was rushing through me leaving me overwhelmed and unbalanced. I was unable to get into a car, as the energy of the drive was too much for me, I needed my feet to be on solid ground constantly. I walked everywhere instead. I was feeling so many strange sensations at once, some of them absolutely terrifying and unsettling to say the least, however there were also a great deal of blissful experiences. I felt at one with life - with the divine, everywhere I looked I saw love and vividness, in everything. Life was infused with this one conscious and unbelievably loving energy and it was all so unbearably beautiful that I could cry just by witnessing it; looking at nature, clouds, water, light, trees or a bird. My heart blew open and so much love spilled into and from it. Life made sense to me, all of it was love and I felt so much awe and honor to witness that.
The down side of being this open, being a spiritual baby in a big city, was that I felt utterly defenseless and ill equipped to deal with my surroundings and I was unable to function within the constructs of where I was. I kept moving between experiences of bliss to extreme anxiety and terror, especially at night, I even needed a nightlight just to sleep as if I were a child. Going outside at night, the darkness was unbearable to me for a long time. I experienced many other bizarre physical, emotional and energetic symptoms and sensations that were constantly shifting, such as electrical currents running through my body, weird aches and pressure in random places, intense emotions rising out of nowhere, blurred vision one day that's gone the next, spontaneous past life regressions, a feeling of complete lack of energetic boundaries and walls, a need to shake my body almost violently and more. My body felt out of control and powerless against this force that had been awakened in me and of which I had no understanding whatsoever.
My friends and family didn’t really know what to do to help me, and besides a couple of brave souls, I felt abandoned by everyone at my weakest moment and that devastated me. I went to see a few chakra workers or healers who told me they could “fix” me by releasing "attachments" or "entities" from my energy body, to no avail. I went to an acupuncturist who said his Chinese master taught him what to do with people in my state, how to bring this energy back down, but no luck there either. I tried homeopathy as well and reached out to anyone I could think of to get relief, which sometimes only made the Kundalini more unbalanced. Not one of the spiritual professionals I found seemed to have an understanding of this process and the non-spiritual people just thought that I was having a nervous breakdown or a mental one. I researched articles online about spiritual emergencies and started to learn about Kundalini. The resources I found said that either Kundalini will recoil and go dormant again soon or that it will cause me to have a psychotic episode since “my system wasn’t ready for it”. I got so scared reading those articles and felt much worse, so I stopped researching. I felt that my life was over, that nobody could help me and I believed that there was something terribly wrong with me from what I could read, that I couldn't get through this. Have I done anything wrong? Did I long for the spiritual realm too hard to have caused this? I was truly petrified; this Kundalini thing wasn't budging, it wasn't going anywhere.
It took me a long time to find people with answers that resonated with me, but the main shift came when I searched internally to find a way to change my fear of the Kundalini awakening. It was challenging for me to understand this process for what it was, neither as a spiritual saint-maker nor a non-spiritual crazy-maker, but just as a part of myself emerging and evolving. It took me a long time to see Kundalini as an engine to power my "awakening" towards who I am truly am, as a catalyst of self-awareness through an intense healing and integration journey. I realized that no one can be ready for this type of a life transformation, yet that does not mean I could "fail at it", I now know that it is not possible.
I had gone through so much throughout this awakening; the shedding of most of my adult relationships, leaving my career, my homeland, learning that I had childhood trauma buried in my psyche and body, which I was unaware of. I had to relearn everything I was taught and let go of all I thought I was. My each and every identity dissolved in front of my eyes, and it took me a long time to grieve their loss and to realize all those “roles” weren’t me after all. I got ill with CFS/ME and spent months and months in bed, I experienced severe PTSD with anxiety, depression and flashbacks. I was ready to die numerous times and yet I made it through to the other side with a strong belief or better yet knowing, that truly anything can be healed. Kundalini made wholeness possible for me and deepened my connection with all of life and unconditional self-love. I had to get through my personal hell before I could recognize there was nothing to fear.
I went though this journey mostly alone, with periods of connection to beautiful people, Kundalini veterans, which assisted me along my path. Along the path I was fortunate to have found someone who had the skill, experience and heart to see beyond the symptoms, to guide me through the chaotic part of this process and remind me who I was underneath the fear, how capable and strong I was when I lost all faith in that. As a result I became very passionate about offering people going through this type of an awakening help and guidance. I know first hand how frightening Kundalini can feel and that having knowledge and understanding of this awakening can help tremendously. We each have two dragons we can feed, the fearful and the loving one, whichever one we feed grows and amplifies. Yet, when you are asked to spend time in your deepest wounds, you can't hold onto a different vibration but the pain, outside help at that time can feed the loving dragon in you. This process humbled me into accepting and asking for help and taught me that none of us can do this on our own. I want you to have all the support you need to allow yourself to spend time with your wounds.
I am now proudly and mostly peacefully living with Kundalini, and I feel privileged to be at a place where I can be of assistance to others going through the sacred, at times intense, yet powerful self-birthing process that is a Kundalini awakening.